While living together, many personal efforts can go unnoticed by your partner. Here’s how to spot it … [+]
We all know that relationships come with challenges, but some are hidden in plain sight. “Invisible burden” refers to the invisible emotional, mental, and logistical responsibilities that individuals often carry in relationships, especially cohabiting or marital partnerships. This burden can leave one partner feeling exhausted, undervalued, unhappy, and overwhelmed, even when the physical division of labor seems equal.
For example, you may have found yourself juggling thoughts of household responsibilities while at work or feeling completely exhausted at the end of the day, even if you and your partner cleaned the house together. This may be a sign of the invisible burden weighing you down.
A 2023 study aptly titled “Who’s Remembering to Buy Eggs?” published in Journal of Business and Psychology examines the invisible burden within families and relationships. The researchers point out that while some tasks, such as washing the dishes or taking out the trash, are visible, others go unnoticed but carry significant cognitive and emotional weight.
Here are three signs you’re carrying “invisible baggage” in your relationship, according to research.
1. Management burden
The managerial burden includes the ongoing responsibility of planning, organizing and coordinating tasks for the family. This includes full-scale management of family or household needs, schedules and daily logistics. From coordinating family activities to planning meals and organizing household routines, the managerial workload requires constant awareness and foresight.
In many relationships, one partner may take on this role by default, which can lead to burnout, especially if their partner assumes these tasks are simply “taken care of.” This may be unintentional – but that’s the problem. One partner slows down and deliberately notices what needs to be done, while the other does not.
If you’re the one constantly overseeing and delegating tasks or thinking about who should be where, what needs to be done, and how to streamline daily routines, you may be shouldering the management load. When left unchecked, this burden can cause feelings of resentment, especially if your partner doesn’t understand the mental energy and time it consumes.
2. Cognitive load
Cognitive load represents the mental effort involved in keeping track of all ongoing tasks and future responsibilities in a relationship or family. It is about the continuous mental processing and management of all the details that require attention.
Cognitive load manifests as the invisible effort to remember and think through solutions before someone else realizes there is a problem. For example, remembering that a certain bill is due soon and mentally planning a time to pay it, even if the task isn’t officially scheduled or written down somewhere, or keeping track of which pantry items are running low , which requires refueling and mental planning for the next food trip.
Even if you’re not directly handling every task, the cognitive load means you’re still the one monitoring, remembering and anticipating needs. Think about keeping a mental to-do list of projects and deadlines constantly in your head – all day, every day.
Because of this burden, one of the partners may feel mentally exhausted and preoccupied, even during periods of rest or relaxation. This type of mental work often goes unnoticed because it is internal and invisible, but it requires considerable mental space. Over time, carrying the cognitive load can lead to chronic stress and relationship strain, as you feel like you’re never really “off task.”
This constant state of “being on top of things” can be exhausting. It’s one reason why, even after the physical division of household chores, one partner may feel more tired than the other. This can create frustration and resentment, especially when the other partner is not adjusted to this ongoing responsibility.
3. Emotional Charge
The emotional charge in the relationship includes the underlying concern for the happiness, well-being and comfort of everyone in the family or home they share. If you often worry about how everyone is doing, trying to maintain harmony or resolve conflicts preemptively, you’re likely carrying emotional baggage.
Often, people carrying the emotional burden experience anxiety about neglecting household chores, their children’s development, or the health of their relationship. Researchers found that emotional burden can lead to burnout in one’s work and family, sleep disturbances, and a less satisfying personal and family life. This burden is perhaps the heaviest of the invisible responsibilities.
For example, this includes stressing that if you don’t do certain tasks yourself or delegate them, they won’t get done. You may also feel the weight of making sure family traditions or special events go well, or feel constantly responsible for guiding your partner on how to meet basic relationship needs.
Surprisingly, the researchers found that women report higher levels of each type of burden, a pattern rooted in patriarchal social expectations that women are “naturally” good at caring and family roles.
It is also common for invisible burden to go unaddressed in relationships, in part because it is difficult to define, even for the person carrying it. However, the imbalance becomes apparent when one partner begins to feel overwhelmed or resentful of the unacknowledged work they are doing behind the scenes.
Here are some ways couples can work together to balance the invisible load:
- Treat it openly. Open communication about the invisible burden can help your partner understand the mental and emotional effort involved. Share examples of tasks or responsibilities that you find overwhelming and explain how they affect your energy and mood. Encourage your partner to share their own experiences as well.
- List and delegate responsibilities equally. Often, a visual representation of all the invisible responsibilities can help make them more tangible. Sit down together, list and delegate in a way that feels right for both of you.
- Be aware and proactive. Instead of waiting to be told what to do, both partners can make it a habit to observe what needs to be done and just do it. This means paying attention to the smaller details and responsibilities that make the family or relationship run smoothly.
- Check regularly. Even after sharing responsibilities, it’s important to check in with each other periodically. Relationships are dynamic, and so are household needs. Regular check-ins and joint decision-making ensure that neither partner feels overwhelmed and that adjustments can be made when necessary.
Understanding the invisible burden is not about pointing fingers, but about cultivating a mindset of shared responsibility and recognizing how each partner can contribute to a healthier balance. Balancing this load allows both partners to show up more fully, free from the quiet exhaustion of doing it alone.
Are you feeling burnt out in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to learn more: Couple Burnout Measure